Day 90….. Drinkline and Alcoholics Anonymous.

I needed to talk to someone, anyone. The emotions I was feeling were slipping out of my control! The stress and anxiety levels were becoming outrageous. I was convinced I was moving inexorably towards some kind of mental breakdown. Fuck it, I googled for help. Drinkline and Alcoholics Anonymous were the first two hits. I didn’t really fancy phoning AA as I’d heard that there may be a religious undertone and being brought up with religion forced down my throat I had became a faithless atheist.

So I phoned Drinkline, their lines closed at 8pm, I had 15 minutes to find someone who could help. The call was answered by a youthful voice who asked how he could help. I explained how I felt, that not drinking wasn’t the problem, that my head was full of yesterday’s stress and the day befores stress and tomorrows stress. I’m not talking at home, I’m staring into space thinking about everything! A million pieces of broken glass flying around in my head, each piece trying to tell me something different, just a cacophony of noise!

He stopped me talking. ‘unfortunately I’m not qualified to help you but if you don’t mind, I’ll put you on hold and get my colleague to talk to you, he’ll help you with how to abstain from drinking’.

I repeated my initial response. I wasn’t worried about drinking it’s the shit in my head that’s fucking me up.

I got put on hold.

Less than a minute later he was back on the line explaining that his colleague was unavailable and perhaps I should contact ‘Frank’ as they deal with both alcohol and drugs and they’re 24 hours. If they don’t give me what I want then feel free to contact Drinkline again tomorrow. Conversation over. I was now slightly disillusioned; surely the evening was when most people needed help?

So AA got the next call. A mature, soft spoken gentleman named John answered my call. He was 68, he hadn’t touched alcohol since he was 44 and he had drank heavily since he was 16. He listened to me, acknowledging everything I told him. He explained that it was normal to go through what I was experiencing. He took a few details, first name, which area I’m from and contact number. Someone we could call me tomorrow, make sure I answer as they won’t leave a message. He politely ended the call. God wasn’t even mentioned!

I went to work the next day slightly nervous about getting ‘the call’.

I shouldn’t have worried. Danny called me at midday, introduced himself as a recovering alcoholic, over twenty years sober. He wanted to help, he let me explain how I felt, again I was told this was normal. Because of the years of drinking to hide from stressful situations and make shit memories go away I was now on a voyage of discovery, I was going to have to get to know myself again, learn how to cope with each situation one at a time. I was going to have to take it one day at a time, this was the key, taking each day one at a time, don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow, concentrate on today, on now. Danny suggested that a local AA meeting would be very helpful, I’d be surrounded by people in different stages of recovery, they help me and I’d learn from them. I wouldn’t need to talk about religion and ‘The Greater Good’ could be anything I wanted. I’d already reached the dizzy heights of Step One by admitting that I had a problem. Danny gave me both his mobile number and his home number and made sure I understood that I could call him anytime, night or day. He understood and he wanted to help. With that, we ended the conversation.

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I felt confident and I now had a mentor, a guide for my perilous journey deeper into sobriety.

I’ve looked up the locations and times of local meetings and I’m giving attendance serious consideration. I’ll call Danny if I ever feel that helpless again.

My partner asked how the call went, I gave her some details and I expressed an interest in attending a couple of different meetings. ‘Fucking great, I’ll look after the kids all day and you fuck off with your alky mates every night. Maybe you’ll meet the woman of your dreams in one of these meetings and you can live happily ever after together, celebrating being sober’.

This reminded me of something else that Danny said. Some of the things you drink to escape from will still be there when you’re sober….and you’ll need to deal with them!

😍😘❀

 

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Day 90….. Drinkline and Alcoholics Anonymous.

  1. I’m glad you reached out and found the help that you needed. Thank goodness there are people there that understand and offer such dedicated support. It’s shocking how much stuff comes rushing in psychologically and emotionally when we stop drinking for a while. All the stuff we’ve hidden from gets to finally catch up with us. I’m so sorry about the reaction you got at home, that was bloody harsh 😦 Take care!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. The weird thing is that these emotions are most prevalent in the evenings and all weekend, the times when I’d normally be drinking. But in the last couple of days I’ve started feeling different, more positive, a bit like my old sober self, at these times. I feel good.
      The situation at home is maybe something I have earned so it’s up to me to work out the best way forward and sort it. Thank you. x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so pleased that you sought this help. I’ve been really hoping that you would!! Sorry that Drinkline were so ineffective. It’s ridiculous…really! I once called a helpline that had closed at…4:30pm and it was just 4:45 or something. I was totally gutted, felt alone and it was months before I sought further help.

    I’m also sad at LM’s reaction. She sounds very bitter, but I’ve felt that way, so I kinda understand her too. But, for YOUR own recovery, you have to do what’s best for you. Getting that kind of negativity at home must be awful. When I was clinically depressed (years ago), my hubby told me to “go and take a fuckin pill”. I have never forgotten that. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A couple of 20 minute conversations with people who have been there, seen it and done it was all that I needed. I just need to keep these lines open so I don’t slip back into that abyss again. I had a few really dark days. LM has justification in her frustrations and unfortunately she has no understanding of what’s going on in my head so I’m on my own at home, I’ll seek the help I need and this will hopefully make me the person she needs again. But I’m putting myself first because my head was a mess this week and I don’t want to go through that again. Thank you as always. xx

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      1. No, I totally understand and you have to put yourself first, first. Although it came from a place of near desperation, I was so happy to see that you’d reached out! I TOTALLY remember my first desperate call. To find someone who actually knows what you’re talking about and is saying “right, let’s get this sorted” was the biggest thing for me. I came off that first ever call and just cried and cried. I hate that you’re at a place where you’re struggling, but you’re so strong to have come this far. I can’t tell you how much I am rooting for you without sounding a wee bit creepy lol, but I AM…x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Believe me, I know how much you support me and it’s not creepy! You do make me smile and that made me laugh. It’s Saturday and I feel good, I’ve decided to go to a meeting early next week, either Monday or Wednesday depending on work and family commitments. If the meetings aren’t for me then Danny will have a friend for life. x

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha. I’m so glad! Everytime I saw my advisor she said “do you want to see me again?” at the end of our session, and I’d always laugh like…DUH!? lol. She doesn’t bother asking now. I consider her a mate. Dunno if she does, but she acts as if I am. X

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  3. I am glad that you were able to find someone to help you through those feelings. LM just doesn’t get it, nor ever will, I’m afraid. I’m so sorry she had to be so negative about something that can help you. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I now know I’m on my own at home and it is my own fault. I shouldn’t have expected much support but I know what I need to do and I know who I can talk to now so I’m ok, ready to move forward. Thank you I’ll take those hugs. x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m glad you reached out and I am so happy someone connected with you. I’m sorry about your partner’s reaction. Our partners can sometimes react with viciousness because they are scared. They want you to change but also want things to stay the same. When one person goes on this journey of self discovery the other can feel threatened. Keep going you are doing very well. x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. As I’ve mentioned previously I probably don’t deserve the support at home that I thought I’d get but one thing is definitely clear: my sobriety has taken a measure of control away from LM. And I’m seeing things differently now, how controlling she can actually be. She’s commented a number of times about her life being easier when I was drinking. I’m not giving in, I want to be sober forever, hopefully she’ll like the sober me eventually. Thank you. x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Another one who is so glad you kept reaching for help and got some! Please do try AA. If you’re lucky, there might be an AAA meeting in your area. (Atheist/agnostic AA). You can look for those meetings on aaagnostica.org.

    Also look at SmartRecovery and Reduge Recovery.

    I’m so sorry about LM.

    Hugs,
    Penelope

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Penelope. I’ll look up the others today and make a couple of calls when I’m alone. I’m extremely open minded so I’m happy to give AA a try before I look for AAA but I really appreciate your advice. Telling my parents that I’d crossed paths with God, seeking his help and infinite wisdom in my quest for sobriety would get them to support me too! Thank you for taking the time to share this with me, it really is appreciated. xx

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