Day 86… The party!

The day started well, I spent a lot of time with my children, we had a lot of fun and there was plenty laughter. As the party got busier the kids did their own thing with other kids and the adults migrated together towards tables full of alcohol. I sat among friends and family, some of whom I haven’t seen for months.

My partner was very quick to tell people I was no longer drinking, I thought at first this was to make it easier for me to justify my glass of water but as she drank more I realised it was to put me on the spot, to put me in a position where I continually felt I had to justify my sobriety. She asked me to hold her glass of wine. “Go on, smell it, are you missing it? Just have some.” Then she approached me with a glass of cider. “I’m drinking for you now, are you sure you don’t want to share?”

I spent the next few hours as far away from her as possible. Unfortunately this meant I was on the periphery of this now large group of people, all of them drinking, all of them being slowly affected by the alcohol. This isn’t social drinking, this is drinking to get drunk. I realised [again] that I had nothing in common with anyone at the party. Again I thought about the reasons I used to drink so much; escape from the situation, escape from the reality of my life. I listened to the conversations around me, so fucking boring!

I’ve brought my children up to question everything, never take anything for granted, always look at everything from someone else’s viewpoint…. This leads to fascinating conversations with my kids, in particular with my 11 year old son, who loves history, geography and current affairs! I missed him so much at this point, he was far more interesting than any of the adults within earshot.

I became more detached as the day turned to evening, most of the kids had gone, leaving close family, most of them were now drunk, talking absolute nonsense. The conversation was now aimed at me, questioning my reasons for not drinking. My partners father told me twice in the space of a couple of minutes that I am now a boring bastard. At least I think that’s what he said, fucking drunken mess! My partner was arguing with her family that it was my choice to stop drinking even although most of them already knew this. This was the point that she had forgotten about her compete lack of support throughout the day and proclaimed how proud she was and how well I’ve done, how hard it must be for me and that she’s so pleased that I’m so strong.

Her father congratulated me for being so boring, told me I’d proved my point (?) and asked if I wanted a vodka. I ignored him.

I drove us home. I was so glad to get home! I don’t know when the next family gathering will be but I’m already thinking of reasons and excuses for my potential absence.

There were a few times in the day that it would have been easy to have a drink but I never touched anything alcohol. No way was I letting my kids down, letting myself down.

I was worried about this party, about how much of a test it would be. I struggled to socialise, I never enjoyed the company, I missed my best friend every second I was there, I missed having someone next me that understood me, that supported me. But it’s Day 86 and I’m still 100% sober so I must be doing something right.

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9 thoughts on “Day 86… The party!

  1. Oh my God! I’m incredulous about how this went. Proud of you – first of all – but amazed at the shambolic behaviour of everyone else.

    I have 3 kids. I’ve just had a heart to heart with the youngest and I spoke about you a LOT. I’m incredibly inspired by you. My son was alcoholic by the age of 14. He no longer drinks. I read your story and I see the same strength and pattern in you, that I do with him. He has moved away, has ditched everyone from his past and he’s only 21. With this in our family, I was a bit concerned about my youngest’s binge drinking at weekends. We chatted for ages (which is when I spoke of you) and something you said here reminded me that she said that she drinks to get drunk. She said it’s a waste otherwise, that there’s no point drinking unless you ARE getting drunk. I’m going to show her THIS blog, to see if anything strikes a chord. I have pointed out genetics. She knew about another family drinker, but I’d not told them about their dad. My hubby drank to excess for years but no longer does. It shocked her, but I’m glad it did. Im sorry to write so much (again) in this personal way, but like I said before, this struck more than one chord…so, thank you for your absolute realness and honesty in your writing. And so well done for getting through – what sounded like a shit – party! X

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Could LM be envious of you? Could you – or do you want – to discuss it with her? One minute she’s tearing you down, next she’s proud of you. She’s clearly a drinker, so maybe she’s realising how attractive sobriety might be.

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      1. She is an occasional binge drinker. She thinks she can handle alcohol but it makes her extremely argumentative. I’m sure I’ve mentioned the aggression in previous blog posts. She’s definitely not jealous but I do think she is controlling and wants to hold me back as a measure of that control.
        I try to imagine what my life would be like now had I not used alcohol as an escape. Pointless really as I can’t change the past. And now I sometimes feel neck deep in my own shite, too deep to escape. The realities are even more real now that I have the clarity that accompanies sobriety. It was alcohol that made me choose the easy paths in life and now I’m at a crossroads with everything! I honestly thought the difficult part would be not drinking.
        And thank you for your continued support, which now in some ways I’ve come to depend on! Your input is very important to me. xx

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve questioned whether I not I actually deserve support from any if these people and I’m not so sure that I do. What I don’t deserve is their constant efforts to thwart my progress. I’d rather not have any contact with any of them. Unfortunately I don’t have any choice in that at the moment anyway. Thank you Penelope. x

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  2. Yes, you have mentioned the aggression. I know what that’s like too. Every time you mention how she, and others, are trying to thwart (great word) your efforts, I am right back in the past with my controlling ex. In my case, it was physical too, but psychological abuse is just as damaging. If you and I were friends in the real world, I expect I’d be asking you why you’re still in this relationship, but I DO know how difficult it can be to just walk away.

    But I hope we are friends and I’m glad that you feel supported by me. I get so much more out of what you write than you probably realise! I was talking about you again last night, lol…but with my other daughter this time. It was the part about LM’s dad calling you a “boring bastard”. My girl just rolled her eyes, shook her head, cos she’s had those same comments made. What stood out to me was your interaction with and what you said about your son. That quality time, that feeling that he’s more mature and interesting at 11 than any of the room full of drunken adults. That you appreciate that snippet of the day made such a huge impression on me. I think you’re a really good writer. A lot of what you write, and how you write it, touches my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never set out to be a good writer or to affect people. The blog is my anonymous diary, I never thought anyone would be interested in anything I wrote, especially the ramblings of some numpty with a drink problem. The responses astound me still, the support can be quite overwhelming. Your comments are lovely, thank you. xx

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  3. Well done for navigating that sober! Other drinkers can often be my greatest motivation to stay sober, when I see with sober eyes what alcohol does to people it makes me cringe to think how I must have looked and sounded. One of these days the issue of your sobriety will be old news to them and they will find something else to talk about. By staying sober you are doing the best thing for yourself and your kids.xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so right, there was no pleasure whatsoever in watching everyone get slowly drunk, some less slowly than others. I’m not sure how long it’ll take for my sobriety to be old news to these people but I’ve decided I don’t really care anyway as their opinions are irrelevant in my life and bear no consequence to mine or my children’s future happiness.
      My eldest sons were very pleased that Dad wasn’t drinking and could drive them home! All small steps in the right direction. Thank you. xx

      Liked by 1 person

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