Two normally alcohol fueled events fast approaching: large outdoor party being planned for Saturday, lots of LMs family and friends will be there & a week long trip to Ibiza in October.
It was like a planned attack, coming at me from different angles. You’re going to be drinking at the party surely? Just have a few, limit yourself. Just don’t get too drunk. Everyone will be pissed, it’ll be fine. Don’t start drinking until the evening. How can you go for a week in Ibiza and not drink? Don’t be boring. You’re not an alcoholic. You like drinking too much to just stop. Go on, have a beer tonight, there’s lager and cider. Just have one, just enjoy the taste.
It was fucking relentless!
At one point I even felt sorry for LM as her family are blaming her for my sobriety. Just let him drink. Why can’t he drink? You’re being selfish….
I had to jump to her defence as she’s never actually told me not to drink. Sure, we’ve had years and years of arguments caused by my drinking, I’ve ruined countless social events through my selfishness with alcohol. I’ve left her to look after the kids when I’ve selfishly drank myself into oblivion. It’s been a bone of contention in our relationship since the beginning. But she’s never ever made me choose between her and alcohol.
So, yet again I explain that it’s my choice to stop drinking, it’s up to me to improve my life and the life of my family.
It seemed to be sinking in now; it’s true, it’s ME that wants to stop drinking, I don’t ever want to touch alcohol again, I want to be happy without alcohol…….or so I thought. OK then, so you don’t have to explain yourself at the party we’ll make cocktails and we won’t put alcohol in yours. That way, no-one will know that your not drinking and you won’t be embarrassed. Fucking embarrassed? I’m proud of the fact I won’t be drinking. I won’t be embarrassed. I won’t be a drunken, slobbering, unsteady, argumentative streak of piss, thinking I’m funny when I’m clearly not, acting sober when I’m a rubber mess, forcing food down my throat like I’ve never been fed. Waking up on Sunday morning to who, what, where, when and why.
It’s ok, don’t try to do me any favours, I’ll be drinking sparkling water, enjoying the company while people are sober, making memories with my children, memories that I’ll won’t forget any more.
I don’t really miss alcohol this week. It’s almost normal now, quiet evenings with water are the norm. I’ve ran a few times too, this is a great way to release the tensions of the day. I’m feeling ok, ready for the next test. I’m enjoying the moment.