Day 77…. I don’t know if I’m losing or winning.

Today is so fucking difficult. It’s been a shit week, hard stressful days. I’ve tried to finish early every day, home before 6pm, hoping to ease the pressure between LM and myself but the reality is that I just created more time for her to pick fights.

AK has gone, only an email away but I can’t hold her and, fuck sake, I need to feel her close! She was my strength.

I had to go to the local supermarket last night, LM was going out to a friends when I got back. Grab me a bottle of wine please, she asked as I was leaving. I’ve not been on that aisle for a long time. Do I have to? Can’t you get it on your way? I tried to explain that I’m not being selfish, it’s been a tough week and I feel weak. Stop being pathetic and just get a bottle for me!

I got the wine for her.

I could have filled my basket with alcohol for myself, the desire was almost overwhelming. But I didn’t, I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink. I don’t…..

I fell asleep thinking about that fucking wine last night. I loved that wine, then I hated that wine because it broke my heart.

Today was shit too. It’s Friday night and I just want to get drunk. I told LM how I felt, I said I need it to numb the pain of a shite week. She didn’t get it. Apparently I’m a liar as alcohol accentuates any stress for her, it doesn’t numb it. I’m just looking for an excuse because I’m weak,  feeble, unable to stick to anything…

My new book arrived today, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, recommended by a friend who understands. I’ve asked LM if she’ll read it as it may help explain some of the emotional side. Fuck off, it’s your problem, not mine. Thanks for the support again!

Today is definitely a test for me. I’ll pass the test, I’ll get to tomorrow and still be sober. But I genuinely never expected this emotional rollercoaster. I feel exhausted. I feel drained. I want to make changes in my life….but I’ve no idea what to change or where to start. I also realised that my blog has been rather negative recently. But that’s the hard facts, this is hard. This is life, my life.

😍😘❤

 

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9 thoughts on “Day 77…. I don’t know if I’m losing or winning.

  1. I don’t know from personal experience but I have had this explained to me by my key worker at the Support Group I’m in. What’s going on for you is not unusual. I have to say, I feel so bloody proud of you. I’m amazed at how well you’re handling the barrage of negativity and temptation. When I was with my ex and I got thin (after being huge for years) I had exactly the same crap from him. “I fancy you more when you’re bigger” or “Oh go on, have a pudding, I don’t want to eat alone”. Different drug. Same temptations.

    “I could have filled my basket with alcohol for myself, the desire was almost overwhelming. But I didn’t, I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink. I don’t…..”

    AK would be so proud of you, and I know how much you must miss her, but please consider looking for help with this, someone to talk to. I honestly could not do without my key worker to speak to. Is there anyplace you could get advice or support?

    And be as negative as you want. Actually I don’t think you sound that negative. You’re not pissing and moaning about things, you’re just sharing how you’re doing – and it WILL be negative at times. That paragraph of yours that I quoted is POSITIVE. You don’t drink and I believe that positive statement. Xx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you! I think that AK leaving made this week much darker for me. Yes, I miss her more than I thought possible. I know she’s proud of my journey so far and I never want to let her down so I won’t drink, simple!
      I think it would definitely help if I had someone impartial to talk to, someone who understands what’s going on and can guide me when I lose focus. I’m not too sure where to start looking for this help.
      I’m still surrounded by people who don’t understand what I’m trying to achieve and why I’m actually doing this. Even tonight LMs parents both tried to get me to have a drink at again. I need someone that I can turn to for support.
      You know I really appreciate your support. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know where in the country you are, but I’ll tell you what I did and maybe that’ll help you. I was the end of my rope when I went onto the internet and searched for drugs and alcohol help. I think, at that time, I was looking for rehabs or some kind of solution, but the very first thing that came up was the agency that I now attend fortnightly. To cut a long story short, I called the number that day and spoke to a girl who was amazing. She let me talk mostly, but was making noises which indicated she knew exactly what I was talking about and it put me right at ease. The next day I got an appointment to see my key worker (same one 2 years on) and the rest is pretty much history. Since then I’ve had so much support and information, which in turn has led me to help the entire family, not just my son. Obviously, the family support is just a tiny part of the organisation. It’s very clear how much help they give addicts as well and there must be somewhere near you that does the same kind of work. They are completely impartial and non-judgemental. Recently, my son’s been in himself, when he finally reached rock bottom. I don’t know where he’d be if it hadn’t been for the group. If you find a good Doctor, then you’re sorted, but that hasn’t been many people I know’s experience. I don’t know anything about the likes of AA or anything, but there are plenty people here who either do or don’t attend meetings like that.

        Google anything you can think of. If you find a similar place to where I go, then please consider making the call. My advice would be not to tell LM or her family. I get the vibe that they’re not the best people to help you with your recovery. If I can help in any way at all, please let me know. xxx

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    1. You’re so right. I’d probably have failed weeks ago if it wasn’t for this blog. And the support I receive from so many others in a similar position, telling their own story through their own blog, is quite phenomenal. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the hardest things about thoughtful, engages sobriety for me has been seeing some relationships from a stronger vantage point. It’s confusing and scary and sometimes I think (wrongly!) that those relationships were easier when I was schnockered. It’s so hard, choosing between your new understanding, your new voice, and the sevil you know in your old relationship styles.

    I’m glad you’re writing it out here. Keep it up. You’re worth it.🤗

    xo
    Penelope

    Like

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