Today is so fucking difficult. It’s been a shit week, hard stressful days. I’ve tried to finish early every day, home before 6pm, hoping to ease the pressure between LM and myself but the reality is that I just created more time for her to pick fights.
AK has gone, only an email away but I can’t hold her and, fuck sake, I need to feel her close! She was my strength.
I had to go to the local supermarket last night, LM was going out to a friends when I got back. Grab me a bottle of wine please, she asked as I was leaving. I’ve not been on that aisle for a long time. Do I have to? Can’t you get it on your way? I tried to explain that I’m not being selfish, it’s been a tough week and I feel weak. Stop being pathetic and just get a bottle for me!
I got the wine for her.
I could have filled my basket with alcohol for myself, the desire was almost overwhelming. But I didn’t, I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink. I don’t…..
I fell asleep thinking about that fucking wine last night. I loved that wine, then I hated that wine because it broke my heart.
Today was shit too. It’s Friday night and I just want to get drunk. I told LM how I felt, I said I need it to numb the pain of a shite week. She didn’t get it. Apparently I’m a liar as alcohol accentuates any stress for her, it doesn’t numb it. I’m just looking for an excuse because I’m weak, feeble, unable to stick to anything…
My new book arrived today, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, recommended by a friend who understands. I’ve asked LM if she’ll read it as it may help explain some of the emotional side. Fuck off, it’s your problem, not mine. Thanks for the support again!
Today is definitely a test for me. I’ll pass the test, I’ll get to tomorrow and still be sober. But I genuinely never expected this emotional rollercoaster. I feel exhausted. I feel drained. I want to make changes in my life….but I’ve no idea what to change or where to start. I also realised that my blog has been rather negative recently. But that’s the hard facts, this is hard. This is life, my life.