One more day and I’ve beat my record, it’ll be the longest I’ve went without alcohol in my adult life.
I feel so happy that I’ve not had a single drink in this time but so far I’m not feeling any significant benefits. My sleep is different but I don’t think it’s better. I used to think that I drank myself to sleep every night, now I realise I was just fucking tired. I used to run a few times each week before the evenings drinking commenced, between 10 and 12 kilometers depending on the route. I haven’t increased the distance or improved my times since being sober. My relationship at home is now worse, LM used to blame my drinking for our problems, now she just blames me. The pressure and stress at work has increased, I no longer numb the days pain with alcohol so I carry the days crap into the next day.
On a positive note the anxiety I felt in the first few weeks has subsided a little. I don’t have that ‘bored’ feeling in the evening any more. I can read books again without losing concentration every few minutes.
I spoke to my mother on the phone this week, told her I’d not had an alcoholic drink for a couple of months. Now remember this is the woman who continually lectured me on the dangers of alcohol, she worried constantly and every time we spoke on the phone she’d ask when I last had a drink and how much I’d drank. So was she happy that I hadn’t had a drink? No! She thinks I should be able to have a drink when I want, she just doesn’t want me to get drunk, she thinks/knows I’m unhappy and she feels I’m entitled to escape with alcohol. I should have expected this reaction from the woman who gave me such a hard time about drinking. Then, when I told her I was coming to Scotland to visit for the weekend, she would make sure there was strong dry cider chilling in the fridge, Argentinian and Chilean red wines in the rack and both Lochlan and Balvenie whisky in her ‘drinks’ cupboard. All my favourites! Being the middle child definitely had it’s advantages! She’ll be 80 soon and loves to tell me I’ve been a constant source of worry for the last 47 years. The black sheep of the family. (Secretly I know I’m her favourite child). Anyway, the reality is that I never impressed her by stopping drinking. This will be something else for her to worry about now.
I’m also trying really hard not to make rash, knee jerk decisions. This has been so difficult. I’ve came close to being single and I’ve came close to walking out of my job.
I’m unsure of what the future holds for me now, yet a couple of months ago I was very confident about this.
The one thing I am extremely confident about is my desire to never drink again. I’m one day off my record, I’ll beat that in my sleep tonight.