Because she’s gone…

She’s gone.

I think yesterday goes down as the worst day of my life. We said goodbye.

I am completely heartbroken, devastated, a broken man. A little piece of my heart has died.

We only had a few months but it has to have been the best months of my life. I felt alive! I felt real love. I felt loved and cared for, I felt her worry and concern. We laughed together all the time, stupid knowing smiles and secret looks. And such intense passion!

Without her strength I’d never have been able to stop drinking. She made it easier, gave me purpose. I never even thanked her.

She made me promise to find happiness but how can I do that? How can I find true happiness now? How the fuck do I do that when true happiness just left me?

I’m worried about being in places that we spent time together. I can’t face these places yet, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to revisit these places. I’m worried that I wont be able to hide this sadness. I look terrible, so disheartened.

I found my best friend and soul mate in one amazing woman, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I felt humbled, privileged, honoured and so lucky all at the same time. I learned so much from her too.

But now there’s just an emptiness, a sick feeling, like a balled fist in the pit of my stomach. And my heart feels so heavy.

Standing holding each other, saying goodbye, staring into her eyes, watching her tears….this image will be with me for the rest of my life.

Watching her walk away I wanted to run after her, tell her we’re making a huge mistake, neither of us will find this love again. But I couldn’t, her plans are made, set in stone, her future is elsewhere and not with me.

I need to focus on the positives, the fantastic memories, the moments that we had together, we can stay in touch, emails, phone calls. But it won’t ever be the same…

Because she’s gone.





10 thoughts on “Because she’s gone…

  1. I don’t have any words. I have said things before though…so you know. I’m so, so sad for you though. All the clichés, the shit people say… they’re true, but they make NO effing difference. I’m thinking about you. I wish that was enough but I’m so gutted for you. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, I’m ok. If wondering aimlessly around the house like an extra from the Walking Dead is ok!? I really never expected this pain. Seeing how upset she was made it even more real. I’ve questioned everything today, my whole existence! I feel like I’m being pathetic, I should be coping ok, rolling with the punches and getting on with it. But every painful feeling is so real. I really love her with every part of me and it’s too fucking late. Maybe this is the punishment for my infidelity? Maybe I deserve this? It’s so hard to deal with without alcohol. Nothing to numb the pain. I’m waiting on time doing it’s thing! But thank you so much for caring, you know I can’t share this pain with anyone else. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, and that’s what makes it worse. You’re not being pathetic though, you’re grieving and I don’t believe that you’re being punished either. I know it must be the hardest thing, but don’t let what she did for you become a waste. You stopped drinking for yourself but she had faith in you – she HAS faith in you. It’s awful, awful that she’s gone, but try to avoid getting into the trap of thinking that alcohol can numb the pain. You’ll only end up feeling worse. She wouldn’t want that for you and I’m pretty sure you don’t really want that for yourself. You don’t deserve any pain. You don’t deserve any of it. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I should probably have known better, getting involved so emotionally, knowing it could only be short lived, thinking I could control my feelings. Maybe there’s a lesson for me here, somewhere? x

      Liked by 1 person

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