Unable to sleep, a horrible anxious feeling coursing through my mind and body. It feels like everything is falling apart around me, completely out of my control.
I got out of bed and came quietly downstairs before I woke anyone, before I added fuel to the fire, before I created an even bigger rift than the one I’ve already created.
I thought I’d read back through my posts, use the blog for the reason I started it, gather strength and support from my own words….that was my initial intention after all.
Now I’m even more confused. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad? All I’ve succeeded in doing is shown myself that I’ve stopped drinking while living an unhappy life. My family life appears to be crumbling around me, threats of separation are constant. I’m unable to communicate with anyone about the situation at home. My closest ally is a secret, the last thing she needs is to hear about my unhappiness.
The tension at home has surpassed all previous difficult times. I’m letting stress assume control, long hours at work, used as an escape, is badly hampering my chances at fixing this broken relationship. Normally I’d just drink through these situations, make everything a blur; there’s no stress from the previous day if I can’t remember it! But this is new ground, I remember everything from every day, yesterday’s stress is just added to the previous days stress, which is added to the previous days stress….and on and on and on. I’m falling asleep with a headache, a headache that starts in the back of my neck and goes through my whole head until it feels like it trying to burst through my eyes….and I’m waking up with the same headache.
I’m normally good at hiding this stress but it’s winning now, I can’t beat it back with alcohol, make it disappear until the next night when another bottle of wine would be on hand to suppress these thoughts a little bit more.
I’m accused of using my sobriety as an excuse for my inability to function as a supportive partner. I’m fucking positive that I’m doing as much as I can but obviously I’m not! Or maybe the damage had already been done and stopping drinking was just too little, too late.
There’s only a few minutes left before her alarm goes off, she’s working most of the weekend, already telling me she can’t wait to escape from me, from our life together. She’s not a ‘morning person’ so there’s no point trying to tell her how I feel. She’ll wake angry, ready for conflict and confrontation. I’m never prepared for this, I won’t argue or fight, I need all my energy to deal with the nonsense in my head. So I’ll try to maintain composure, ensure the time at home before she leaves for work is calm.
Then I can relax with the kids, enjoy every moment with them in case her threats of leaving come to fruition. I know she needs me, I know the kids need me, but maybe she won’t realise until it’s too late?
The ‘clarity’ I have since stopping drinking has created such a mess in my head. Every thought, every fear, every moment, happy or sad, is bouncing around in my mind all at once, creating such confusion. I can’t hide behind alcohol any more, I have to face these demons and deal with them. It’s so fucking difficult right now, I’ve never went this long without alcohol as my support network and my counsellor.
I know I won’t turn to alcohol, I know that’s not the answer. I really did think I’d stop drinking and life would be a bed of roses, all happiness and skipping through meadows. I was wrong, I’m finding out why I drank so much, so often….and it’s not pleasant. But I’m fucking determined to beat this, to win back everything I lost through my years and years of alcohol abuse. The years of making alcohol my best friend…when it was really my worst enemy.