Day 64…..confusion caused by clarity.

Unable to sleep, a horrible anxious feeling coursing through my mind and body. It feels like everything is falling apart around me, completely out of my control.

I got out of bed and came quietly downstairs before I woke anyone, before I added fuel to the fire, before I created an even bigger rift than the one I’ve already created.

I thought I’d read back through my posts, use the blog for the reason I started it, gather strength and support from my own words….that was my initial intention after all.

Now I’m even more confused. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad? All I’ve succeeded in doing is shown myself that I’ve stopped drinking while living an unhappy life. My family life appears to be crumbling around me, threats of separation are constant. I’m unable to communicate with anyone about the situation at home.

The tension at home has surpassed all previous difficult times. I’m letting stress assume control, long hours at work, used as an escape, is badly hampering my chances at fixing this broken relationship. Normally I’d just drink through these situations, make everything a blur; there’s no stress from the previous day if I can’t remember it! But this is new ground, I remember everything from every day, yesterday’s stress is just added to the previous days stress, which is added to the previous days stress….and on and on and on. I’m falling asleep with a headache, a headache that starts in the back of my neck and goes through my whole head until it feels like it trying to burst through my eyes….and I’m waking up with the same headache.

I’m normally good at hiding this stress but it’s winning now, I can’t beat it back with alcohol, make it disappear until the next night when another bottle of wine would be on hand to suppress these thoughts a little bit more.

I’m accused of using my sobriety as an excuse for my inability to function as a supportive partner. I’m fucking positive that I’m doing as much as I can but obviously I’m not! Or maybe the damage had already been done and stopping drinking was just too little, too late.

There’s only a few minutes left before her alarm goes off, she’s working most of the weekend, already telling me she can’t wait to escape from me, from our life together. She’s not a ‘morning person’ so there’s no point trying to tell her how I feel. She’ll wake angry, ready for conflict and confrontation. I’m never prepared for this, I won’t argue or fight, I need all my energy to deal with the nonsense in my head. So I’ll try to maintain composure, ensure the time at home before she leaves for work is calm.

Then I can relax with the kids, enjoy every moment with them in case her threats of leaving come to fruition. I know she needs me, I know the kids need me, but maybe she won’t realise until it’s too late?

The ‘clarity’ I have since stopping drinking has created such a mess in my head. Every thought, every fear, every moment, happy or sad, is bouncing around in my mind all at once, creating such confusion. I can’t hide behind alcohol any more, I have to face these demons and deal with them. It’s so fucking difficult right now, I’ve never went this long without alcohol as my support network and my counsellor.

I know I won’t turn to alcohol, I know that’s not the answer. I really did think I’d stop drinking and life would be a bed of roses, all happiness and skipping through meadows. I was wrong, I’m finding out why I drank so much, so often….and it’s not pleasant. But I’m fucking determined to beat this, to win back everything I lost through my years and years of alcohol abuse. The years of making alcohol my best friend…when it was really my worst enemy.

šŸ˜šŸ˜˜ā¤

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “Day 64…..confusion caused by clarity.

      1. None of us are alone. The bubble alcohol put us in–or anxiety or depression or one of a million other things–that bubble is bigger than we think. So many of us are in those bubbles, feeling alone, when we don’t have to be.

        Hugs, P

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was talking to a friend recently, trying to explain the difference between now and when I was drinking every night. My description of now was that it’s like being in a bubble, watching everything in your life spiral out of control, with you helpless to do anything about it because you’re stuck in that bubble!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve read so many different stories now, spent whole evenings reading other people’s blogs. Every single one of them has given me hope and courage, such profound experiences, anonymously shared with the authors not even realising how much they are helping others. I completely agree with you. x

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh, I wish there was something I could do, or say, to help you. I know how you feel and I REALLY do, but can’t write it out loud because I chose to be semi-anonymous on here. In my case food was my counsellor, my crutch, and it’s going back that way again because I’m still in an unhappy situation.

    Your strength though, is admirable, but I know writing that to you is no help at all. The situation you’re in right now is like a bereavement and will get easier, but (like me) you’re facing a future with someone who is NOT the person you should be with. If I could give any advice, based on my vast experience on this very matter, I would simply tell you not to settle.

    I know you can’t be with the one you love, but having had that will make it impossible to be with the other. Please get out. I’ve been trapped for so long and I’d hate to see another life wasted. You’re proving how well you could cope on your own. Don’t stay just for the kids. I wish I’d taken my own advice before it became impossible to leave. ā¤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve read your comment at least a dozen times and all I can think of as a reply is ‘you’re right’. I’m sure that this admission is probably a huge step forward for me somehow but the actual physical steps are too difficult just now. I need to get through the next couple of weeks and see how I feel. I need a clear head to make the right decisions. And, as always, thank you, I know you care. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this so much. When we become sober we wake up to the aftermath of a life and a marriage devasted by alcohol. This can be too much to bear and now you don’t have your usual crutch to help you through it. There is a book that was recommended by a blogger that I have found really helpful: https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=codenpandancy&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b&gfe_rd=cr&ei=O7lpWcrEHo_38AfHh5vYDw#q=codependency+amazon
    The book specifically deals with addiction. I dont know if your wife would be open to reading something like this? The fact of the matter is that you cannot fix what you’ve done in the past. You need time to heal and gather yourself and sometimes this may mean that there needs to be a healthy boundary around both of you. I see it it like this. My husband and I have laid down arms. We’ve pressed pause and are giving each other space to heal as seperate human beings. I dont want to get divorced (I’ve also threatended to leave) We are giving each other speace to grow and then we will see where we are. The most importnat thing you are doing already! You’ve stopped drinking. THIS IS HUGE. I hope you find a way through this. x

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I made an identical situation so much worse by drinking through it. Last night, 20 years later, I had a dream of anxiously trying to figure it all out, especially for the kids. I SO WISH I had handled it as you are. Your strength here is amazing. Hang in there!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Such kind words, thank you. I’m finding that without alcohol to hide behind, I’m getting into a position where I need to make serious life changing decisions. I don’t yet have the confidence to make these decisions as I’m worried it’s just some crazy alcohol free phase I’m going through. Xx

      Like

      1. I understand completely. Just over a year in, I am starting to actually make the changes I dreamed about making. Gaining back that lost confidence does take a while, but it does happen. Hang in there! ā¤ļø

        Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s